


Being Seen

by Whatisalilac



Category: The Outer Worlds (Video Game)
Genre: Alcohol, Eventual Smut, Explicit Language, F/M, Feelings, Spoilers
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-11-02
Updated: 2020-09-07
Packaged: 2021-01-16 19:47:32
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 8
Words: 13,388
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21276704
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Whatisalilac/pseuds/Whatisalilac
Summary: She thought about the real Captain Alex Hawthorne, who's body was still on Terra 2, under her god damn pod. She'd been careful not to let her identity slip, not with anyone. Phineas Welles was the only person who knew her name was Charlotte. She was Captain Alex Hawthorne to everyone. Nobody knew who she was, not even the people closest to her. And that hurt the most.





	1. Late Night Drink

Parvati had suggested going to see the Vicar. Captain Charlotte agreed because she had a feeling she was going to be in Edgewater for a while, and she figured getting to know the people would be good. Charlotte, going under Alex Hawthorne's name, didn't expect much when the two of them walked into the mission. It was a nice building, though Charlotte took note of Parvatis's qualms about it. She couldn't blame her for feeling the way she did; churches had a way of making Charlotte feel uneasy, and once she was inside, it wasn't an exception. Churches were always so god damn quiet.

The Captain had expected the Vicar to be a run of the mill preacher, but even in their first encounter, he'd piqued Charlotte's interest. She couldn't tell if he was being smart with her, or if his cadence just leads him to sound sarcastic. She wanted to find out though, so she didn't think twice about helping him get the Bakonu journal. She hadn't enjoyed the subsequent viscera and the setback in getting to the journal, but seeing the good Vicar losing his temper on seeing it was in French made it so, so worth it. A small part of her was thrilled when he asked to join her on the Unreliable.

In the weeks that followed, the Captain found herself intrigued by the little things she'd learn of the Vicar's past. There was more to him than she thought there'd be, and now that she'd gotten to know him better, she could read his tone much better. And he could be a sarcastic shit, though she got a kick out of his little quips. Watching him shout "I'll take your confession now!" while shooting a raptidon was an indescribable experience. And she certainly didn't mind watching the way he handled a shotgun.

After helping Max find his 'enlightenment' on Scylla, something began eating away at Charlotte. She'd started to grow fond of Max. And then it was more than that. She couldn't help herself. She watched him in a fight and she knew he was strong under— well, she never dared to finish those types of thoughts sober. She never let herself wonder what'd it'd be like to have his body against hers, his calloused hands in her hair... once she had a few drinks in though, all her restraints were gone. She was worried it was starting to show on her face because unless it was wishful thinking, _Laws_, she could swear the Vicar was starting to look at her some type of way. But she didn't feel good about it. There was a little niggling of shame in the back of her head, gnawing at her. Every time he had one of his soft smiles for her, some part of her felt _bad_.

It'd become clear to her what was wrong one night when they were docked at the Groundbreaker. Everyone else had been asleep or out, excepting her and the Vicar. She'd had a couple of drinks, and was feeling a little brave. She walked to his door, and seeing the light was still on, had intended to ask Max to have a drink with her. She had her hand up to knock on the door, but she paused. She couldn't lie, she'd been craving the affections of their resident preacher. But standing there, she thought about him. He'd been so open with her, and she suddenly felt so guilty. She put her hand down from the door, and backed away from the door, making her way back to the Captain's quarters. She sat down and poured herself another drink, though she was sure she didn't need it. She thought about how she even got to be sitting where she was. 

She thought about the real Captain Alex Hawthorne, who's body was still on Terra 2, under her god damn pod. She'd been careful not to let her identity slip, not with anyone. No one came with her when she went to talk to Phineas Welles, who was the only person who knew her name was Charlotte. She was Captain Alex Hawthorne to everyone. And she never spoke about the Hope. She tried not to think about the people she knew who were still in cryo, who'd die if she failed. So many lives rested squarely on her. And she couldn't talk about it. She never let any conversation get close to talking about her past. She'd been so busy helping everyone else they came across nobody seemed to even realize they didn't know anything about her. They shared their sad stories, and they didn't seem to realize only one party in the conversation was baring their soul. Laws only knew why people trusted her so much.

She downed the rest of her drink in one go, tears prickling in the corners of her eyes. She felt so alone surrounded by a crew that should, by all means, feel more like a family. She was isolated by her design. Charlotte contemplated finishing the bottle of whatever-the-fuck she'd been drinking when she heard someone at her door. Her stomach churned because it really could be anyone in her crew right? But she knew it wasn't going to be just anybody. She was desperate to feel seen, and wouldn't it be just _peachy_ for the universe to dangle that in front of her when she couldn't have it. 

"Come in," She said. And of course, she'd been right about who was at her door.


	2. Night owl

Vicar Max was a bit of a night owl. It was a shame, he mused, that most of humanity didn't experience the calm that came with being awake in the dead of night. But of course, if everyone did, it wouldn't be so peaceful. It was the perfect time to read, no matter where he was. Edgewater, the Unreliable, or elsewhere, the hush that fell over everything was serene. Unfortunately, the pleasant atmosphere wasn't doing the Vicar any favors as he sat in front of his open book. Max was flipping through, but hardly paying attention to the words. Before joining Captain Hawthorne on the Unreliable, he'd had one, single goal. He'd done his job as a preacher well, but everything was for that Bakonu journal. He'd had no mind to consider anything else around him unless he thought it might help in his search. Alex had been, for lack of a better word, a godsend. Finally, he'd get what he'd been looking for after so long of trying to find it. He'd be closer to solving the Equation. 

Except, of course, the journal had been in French. He felt some shame, looking back at his outburst. A 'violently enthusiastic disposition' indeed. But Captain Hawthorne had been so gracious as to allow him to join her on the Unreliable. She and the rest of the crew put up with his less-than-amicable disposition. Well, he wouldn't say Ellie 'put up' with it, she seemed to delight in pushing his buttons. But Captain Hawthorne took his attitude in stride, and he was sure she was even entertained by it at times. And she entertained his little quest as well, even though she didn't have to go out of her way for him. He appreciated that. And now, after his enlightenment on Scylla, he didn't spend so many hours musing about how to get that journal. He had time to muse over other things. Like the dear Captain. 

He will admit, it had been a while since he'd been so honest about his past and himself, and Alex hadn't shied away one bit. Him having been in prison, he assumed, would put most people off trusting him. Parvati certainly hadn't been impressed. But Captain Hawthrone trusted him with her life if all their little misadventures in Halcyon were anything to go off of. Captain Hawthorne always seemed to find trouble, and if she didn't find it, trouble found her. She was a quick thinker in a fight, and one could say ruthless as well. Yet, on every occasion, she went out of her way to help the people they came across. Max knew his appreciation for the Captain had become a little bit more than appreciation after they'd finished a task for someone they'd met on the Groundbreaker. He can't remember what she'd been saying; he'd been too distracted by the way her mouth looked as she talked, as she smiled. Max was good at hiding what he was thinking, for the most part. But they say the eyes are the windows to the soul, and he knew he looked at her differently now than he had before. But Alex looked at him differently, too. She looked at him less. She seemed to have a hard maintaining eye contact. And if the blush that so often crept up onto her cheeks was anything to go on, he knew why. He couldn't say it didn't affect him. He was only human, after all. And seeing their fearless Captain Hawthorne so... affected by his presence alone? He shifted in his seat, suddenly feeling a bit warm.

He closed the book that he hadn't been reading. He spent a lot of nights recently not reading whatever book he would have open in front of him. His thoughts had started to stray, and he knew he shouldn't go there, but he couldn't resist the temptation. A funny thought, he mused, a Vicar that can't resist temptation. But he had another problem, one that had puzzled him immensely. He trusted Captain Alex. He did. She'd helped him and been with him every step of the way, offering help and her kindness with no expectation from him, except maybe for him to be there, on the Unreliable, with her. And the more he thought about their interactions (and he thought _a lot_ about them these days), the less he felt he knew about Alex Hawthorne. She never talked about herself. Her past, her family, old friends. Nothing. The past weeks, he's been gently probing, trying to get her to say anything, without alerting her that he felt something was wrong. Every seemingly innocent question he asked would be quickly shut down. She'd try to refocus the conversation, find an excuse to leave. Anything to keep from talking about herself. Her obfuscation only cemented in his mind that she was hiding her past. Or perhaps hiding _from_ her past. 

He wondered if he should feel betrayed, but he didn't. He was worried, more than anything because she had been drinking more and sleeping less recently. He could see it on her face; the dullness of her eyes was a dead giveaway. Max was worried he'd pushed her too hard. If she'd experienced some trauma in her past, forcing her to dredge it up wouldn't be any good. He didn't want her to hurt, he just wanted some honesty, even if the only answer she could give him was that she didn't want to talk about it. That'd be better than avoiding it altogether. Sighing, he decided that getting some shut-eye would probably be better than sitting and stewing in his thoughts. But someone was outside his door. He heard the gentle footsteps in the hallway, and he paused, listening. He knew it was the Captain. It had to be. After a moment, he heard her leave, heading back to her quarters.

He had a dilemma now. Go to sleep and pretend this never happened? Or go seek out Alex and see what was wrong? He sat back down at his desk. She wanted to talk to him. What was she scared of? He sighed; he had an idea of what could be wrong. Two ideas, really, and either one would be hard to talk to her about. He contemplated having a drink but decided against it. He was going to talk to her, and he wanted to be clear-headed, though he had a feeling she wasn't. 

The Vicar stood up and paused before opening the door. Once something is broken, it can never be brand new again. He hoped he wasn't going to break something.


	3. Late Night Talk

Charlotte watched as the Vicar walked into her quarters. To the untrained eye, he looked as stoic as usual. But she'd spent more time than most studying his little mannerisms, and she knew he was tense. She could see his jaw was set, and each step he took into her quarters was calculated, almost tentative, whereas his usual gait was closer to a casual saunter.

"Evenin' Vicar. What brings you to my quarters at this time a' night?" Charlotte asked. Max took the liberty of sitting down across from her at the desk, noting the near-empty bottle of Spectrum Vodka sitting next to her.

"Oh, I couldn't sleep. I saw your light was on, and I figured you wouldn't mind if I stopped in to talk, Captain." He said. 

_Damn him_, she thought. He knew she'd been outside his room. At least he had the decency not to outright ask why.

"Oh yeah? What's on your mind?" She asked.

"Oh, nothing in particular," He said, looking at her expectantly, "I've always felt insomnia's better experienced with friends." He continued, a quiet smile playing on his face.

"That so?" She asked

"Mmhm. We could talk about the latest tossball match if you'd like. Or something else, Captain?" He said.

"You know I don't follow tossball," Charlotte replied, "Or even like it much."

"You know, I think if you gave it a chance, you'd really enjoy it. I'll admit, I didn't have much enthusiasm for the game until I had spent my time in prison. Of course, there isn't much else to entertain a person besides tossball there, either playing it in the prison yard or..." 

And Charlotte had stopped listening. She was thinking now about the dear Vicar playing tossball. And the muscle required to do that well. The strong, hard muscle—

"Captain?" Max interrupted. Charlotte shot back to attention, heat rising in her cheeks. She'd blame her wandering mind on the alcohol, but her mind always seemed to wander around the Vicar these days; she was just better at hiding it when she was sober. 

"Are you okay? You look flushed," He said, eyeing the vodka bottle near her again. He leaned forward to get closer to her and lowered his voice. "How much have you had to drink, Alex?" Charlotte bit her lip and looked away from him. She tried to shrug his question off, but he was still looking at her that way. The way that said 'I'm here, no matter what'. A look that promised her... safety. Would he still look at her that way if he knew the truth? That everything about her was a lie?

"I'm- I'm fine." She said. Max leaned back into his chair.

"Yes, I'm sure you are." He said with a sigh.

"Yeah Max, I am." She shot back. For a split second, Charlotte caught a look of surprise come over Max’s face. She didn’t intend for her retort to come out so sharply. _And yet here I am, snapping at someone I care about so much,_ she thought._ I'm already lying to him, I don't need to be an ass, too_.

The Vicar watched her slump down in her seat, curling in on herself. He'd been worried before, but he'd never seen her look so... defeated. She was more cheery after being bitten by a raptidon than she was now. Whatever was eating her was affecting her more than he'd thought.

"Alex," he started, "I know something is wrong. Maybe talking about it won't fix it, but you don't have to be alone in this." He reached one of his hands across the desk towards her. A smile flitted across her lips, and she reached out to take his hand. This wasn't the first time she'd had his hand in hers, though this was probably the most intimate of those instances. His calloused hands were warm, and his larger hand almost completely enveloped hers.

"Alex," He said again, and Charlotte remembered that this wasn't real. She wasn't a real person. She pulled her hand away with a barely-contained grimace. Charlotte got up from the desk and moved towards the window. Normally, she found the view to be beautiful. She looked out at the endless space, and tonight, she couldn't help but think how cold it looked out there. Lonely, one could say. She tried not to think about the Hope, in limbo somewhere out there. She wasn't sure if she could liken it to a prison or a graveyard. Max stood up, walking toward the window as well. He looked out the window, and then looked at the expression on her face. He knew the look she was wearing. He'd worn it for years. She was looking for something; but what she was looking for, he didn't know. He just wished he could ease her turmoil.

"Alex, I trust you. After everything we've gone through together, I would hope you trust me as well. I want to help you, but I can't if you don't talk to me." He said. The deep timbre of his voice was almost comforting. Still, Charlotte stared straight out the window. Max moved closer to her. 

"Alex, please," He said in a near whisper, reaching out to her. His tone was solicitous, and Charlotte flinched, hearing Hawthorne's name being said _that way_. Max's hand immediately recoiled.

"I'm— I apologize, I—"

"Max," she cut him off, "I do. Trust you, that is, but this..." She trailed off. She stole a glance at him. He was looking at her that way again. She wished she could hate him for it.

"This is nothing." She finished. She didn't have to look at him a second time to know his face had fallen.

"There's nothin' wrong, Vicar." She said, going to sit back down. She poured the rest of her bottle out into her empty glass.

"Captain, I think you've had enough to drink," Max said. Charlotte shrugged him off and gestured to the empty chair across from her.

"If you're still so inclined, feel free to catch me up on the latest tossball game, yeah?" She leaned back in her chair, trying (and failing) to project the image of herself being at ease, instead of so tense she felt like she'd snap at a moment's notice.

"...No, I think I'll just... go back to my quarters, try to get some sleep." He said. Charlotte tried to smile at him, but she was sure it ended up looking as hollow as she felt.

"Alright, Vicar. Go get some sleep then." She replied, speaking softly. The Vicar hesitated a moment, like he wanted to say something else, but gave her a nod, and left her quarters as quickly as he'd come.


	4. Lab Work

Charlotte was content to pretend what happened that night between her and Max hadn’t happened. She was grateful that Max didn’t bring it up and went about his business as usual. She couldn’t bear to be in a room alone with him or maintain eye contact, but that was less of a problem than her failing ability to lie to him. Every time he managed to catch her eye she wanted… _everything_. And that was dangerous. Max made her feel like she could find safety within his arms. He’d been so kind to her and she felt so undeserving of it.

She had been dangerously close to losing herself that night, and she was too close to the Hope and reviving the colonists to risk exposing herself. She hated it, now more than ever. Being so close to freedom from the web of lies she’d created only made it worse, it seemed. What she yearned for was just outside her grasp. And she’d been close enough to touch it, but she couldn’t grant herself that pleasure. She told herself they had time, but she knew his patience would run out. She told herself she’d be able to explain when the time was right, but the longer this went on, the less likely he was to forgive her sins. If he managed to corner her one more time, she knew it’d be over. 

They’d landed in Byzantium a few days ago, and that city was no place for Charlotte Lillis. If her identity were to be revealed while they were in the nexus of the Board, that’d be the end of all of them. Byzantium was not a place for her. It probably wasn’t a good place for Alex Hawthorne to be either, but at least Hawthorne was allowed to exist there. 

Byzantium was a strange change of pace for Charlotte. There was no expectation of fighting. Nothing to be fixed. It was clean, mostly. Charlotte had been impressed, seeing it for the first time, but when she thought about how Byzantium prospered compared to the rest of the colony, all she could feel towards the city was disgust. That, in conjunction with the sheer _entitlement_ of the people living there, had her quickly despising the time she was spending there. And, much to her chagrin, she was doing most of the footwork by herself. Dealing with the people of Byzantium by herself for any length of time was a drag. It’d at least be bearable if she’d had someone with her to roll her eyes with.

Charlotte had told her crew that it would be too suspicious for them to go stomping around and that they needed to keep a low profile. And, while that wasn't exactly a lie, it wasn't exactly the truth either. The tasks she had to do would expose her. There was no way to get the dimethyl sulfoxide without also blowing her cover and revealing that she was working with Phineas Welles. But she’d much rather have one of her crew, one of her _friends_ with her. Damn the consequences. After all, what was a corporate guard except a marauder with better armor? 

She knew that was a dangerous line of thought, but she couldn’t help it. She hated working by herself in a colony she was only just now getting familiar with. She had always leaned on someone to help her navigate dealing with the people of Halcyon. It was a completely different world than she’d known, but it had to be done. And she was the only one who could do it.

* * *

Max busied himself with his reading while they were docked in Byzantium. He tried, at least. The words laid out on the pages offered no respite from the thoughts plaguing him. He could put on a stolid veneer, pretend nothing had happened. But things were different now. He noticed Hawthorne’s changed attitude toward him. And he was sure she knew he noticed. At first, he had worried he’d overstepped a boundary with her. He felt…_strongly_ towards her, and Max was sure the way he felt wasn’t unrequited; the worry that he had jeopardized what they could’ve had bothered him for days afterword. Now, his concerns had become something _bigger_. 

The Captain was out in the city by herself. Byzantium was dangerous in a different way to Monarch or Scylla, and he knew she could handle herself, but he still worried. He had hoped the other night would resolve some of his questions, but he had left his Captain’s quarters with more questions than he’d arrived with. And now, the ever-elusive Captain was overtly hiding what she was doing. His questions regarding his Captain had grown into a full-blown suspicion. 

The Vicar had been concerned about his Captain; he'd never had any reason to doubt that they had good intentions. He still didn't doubt them. He’d still trust them with his life if they asked it of him. But... if he were to be honest, just with himself, Cpatian Hawthorne conducting business by herself in Byzantium rubbed him the wrong way. He understood her reasons for going alone, he knew drawing attention to themselves probably wouldn’t be in their best interest. He knew there was some logic in that. But every time she left, he wondered. What was she doing? Was she safe? Who was she working with? That last question bothered him most of all. Hawthorne said doing business in Byzantium was too dangerous for her to bring anyone along with her. Maybe they'd be out of place in the city, yes, but when he thought about it, how much would they stand out? And if it was so risky, wouldn't she want someone with her, watching her back? Ellie grew up in Byzantium, wouldn't having someone experienced in the etiquette of these socialites be good? His train of thought was leading him to a hypothesis that he didn't care for.

_Could Alex be working for the Board?_

Everything he'd experienced with her so far would lead him to say _no, of course not, that's a ridiculous assumption._ But... she'd always been evasive about her past and what her objectives were. And now she had cut all of them out of what she was doing completely. He knew he wasn't the only one wondering. She gave them her reasons for doing what she was doing, but they were starting to sound less like ‘explanations’ and more like ‘excuses’. Maybe this was the universe's way of balancing out the lies he'd told— but the rest of the crew didn't deserve it. He’d come to think of the ragtag crew of the Unreliable as family, and he was prepared to put his violent enthusiasm to good use to protect them; he just hoped he wouldn’t have to. 

_When Alex gets back, I'm going to talk to her. _

He hadn’t wanted to pry, but this had gone beyond concern for someone he cared about. Something was _wrong._

* * *

Sitting in Chairman Rockwell's office, Charlotte wished things were different. She wished the Hope had arrived on time. She wished Phineas had woken up someone else. She'd learned where the chemicals were, but she'd also learned that things were _so much worse_ than she'd thought. She wondered in Phineas knew how bad things were. She slipped out of the office quickly, expecting someone to stop her. Things felt different now— she expected the corporate soldiers to confront her because she _knew_. They had to know she knew. She knew the truth of the Lifetime Employment Program. It couldn’t be so easy to leave and continue now that she had this sensitive information, could it? And yet, it was. No-one stopped her as she left the building. No-one stopped her on the street. And getting access to the lab where the dimethyl sulfoxide was contained was easy. Her path was laid out in front of her, and yet she felt herself moving through a fog. 

_Max would know what to say. He always does,_ she thought to herself. She shook her head, trying not to think about him. Wondering what _he'd_ be thinking and what _he'd_ be saying would only serve to remind her that he _wasn't_ here, and that would distract her from the task at hand. She needed to be at the top of her game here if she wanted to navigate the lab without being shot. There was already too much in the lab that could pull her attention in other directions, only for her to end up distracted by her thoughts.

She descended in the elevator, entering the lab. _It's a good thing I'm alone,_ she thought as she carefully moved through the area. There'd be no way to explain away the horror show she was seeing, and why she was involved with the whole mess. Charlotte felt slightly ill, seeing the dozens of people being experimented on. And she knew there were more victims than the ones here— how many countless people had died already? She wished she wasn't alone in that cold, sterile lab. She had learned so much in one day, and none of it was good. The cherry on top, of course, was that she couldn't even take all of the dimethyl sulfoxide. Well, she could, but at what cost? 

She sat at the terminal, thinking before she could act. She didn't even know exactly how much of the chemical Phineas needed. Would all the dimethyl sulfoxide even be enough? If it wasn't, she'd just be murdering all these people for nothing. But were the potential lives of the people on the Hope worth these lives in front of her now? Would she be justified in killing these people to save others?

_Fucking trolley dilemma_, she thought, rubbing her hands on her face. Her mind went back to Max; she thought about what he would think if he was here. He was a Vicar, after all. He was probably most equipped to handle an ethical dilemma like this. 

She didn’t buy her own lame excuses for why she wanted him here with her. 

Charlotte already knew what she was going to do— she just hoped that the small amount of dimethyl sulfoxide would be enough. She looked at all the people she was leaving behind, still alive and okay; but she didn't feel any better about her decision.

Byzantium was a peaceful place to be, Charlotte mused as she quickly went back to the Unreliable. No marauders, no plague. The only threat in Byzantium was her.

She could almost breathe a sigh of relief once she was back on her ship. Now that the threat of being discovered and shot had passed, Charlotte felt like she could solve the problem facing her. She'd managed to defy the odds everywhere she'd gone in Halcyon. This would be no different. The situation could be salvaged. She took a deep breath, pulling herself together. This would work. The colonists would be saved, and then they'd save Halcyon.

"Captain, you have a message from Adjutant Akande," 

Charlotte felt like everything was falling apart all over again. 

_"My reports have been exceptionally thorough. You've had quite the career."_

She sat in the cockpit, head in her hands. She felt like an idiot; that she should've known someone from the Board would've figured out what Phineas had done. It had probably been as easy as checking a terminal to find out a colonist had been removed recently. And, she had to admit, she hadn't exactly kept a low profile, with her going around Halcyon and doing everything that she had. She thought she could just walk into the HHC building and no one would take note of her? The Board would've been keeping tabs on her even if she hadn't been from the Hope— she was a _threat_ and she'd been reckless. 

_Adjutant Sophia Akande had known the whole time, the whole fucking time, who I was. Where I came from. I lied, for nothing. Nothing._

She'd justified her dishonesty by telling herself that she was keeping everyone safe that way. She was disgusted at the futility of everything she'd done to protect her identity and her friends. And, frankly, insulted at Akande insinuating that she might even _consider_ betraying Phineas. 

Charlotte leaned back in her chair, letting out a slow, shaky breath. If the Board knew who she was, they must have some idea of what she was doing. Would they even be able to get to the Hope now? The only reason she'd had any reason to believe things would turn out in her favor was that she thought the Board didn't know about her.

_What does the Board do to people like me before they’re executed?_

_What will happen to all the people who’ve helped me?_

_What of my friends?_

Someone cleared their throat behind her, and she stiffened up. 

_Had someone heard all of that?_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Wow, this took me a month to write. Hopefully, the next chapter will be up in a week.


	5. Explanations

Charlotte tensed in her chair, knowing her well-guarded secret was out, in more ways than one, unfortunately. This was a conversation she did _not_ want to have; was not _prepared_ to have. 

She spun her chair around and, of course, _of course,_ it was Max. He seemed to have a sense for whenever she was feeling particularly vulnerable, though he certainly was looking less than composed himself at that moment.

The Vicar stood there, hands clasped behind his back, feeling... he wasn't sure what he was feeling. Confused? That was one word to describe the emotions running through him as he processed what he'd just heard. He'd heard what ADA had said— he knew that was Adjutant Akande. Who was his Captain to have the Adjutant want to chat with them? And everything the Adjutant had said— about the Hope, about his Captain, about Phineas Welles? 

He didn't know nearly as well as he'd _thought_ he did. He'd known there was something going on, but this? The thought entered his head that she'd been working for the Board this whole time, but he'd never really thought that could be true. She’d never expressed anything but disgust for their treatment of the people of Halcyon. It was outlandish, but there she was, making deals with the devil it would seem. He watched his Captain rise from her chair, and he waited for her to speak first. He _would_ give her the benefit of the doubt. He owed her that much, after everything they'd been through.

"How much of that did you hear?" She said, at a near whisper.

"All of it," He replied. Charlotte rubbed a hand over her eyes.

"I don't— I don't know where to start," she said, looking up at him, glassy-eyed and nervous. 

"The beginning is usually a good place, Captain." She nodded. She’d imagined how this confession would go, how she’d be received, but she’d always figured it would end in yelling.

"Can we just," she paused, "can we go up to my quarters? For privacy?" She asked.

"Wouldn't want anyone to walk in on a sensitive conversation," He replied, the sarcasm in his tone not matching the deathly serious look on his face.

The Vicar followed his Captain up the stairs and into her quarters, closing the door behind the two of them. Charlotte walked over to her desk, going to pour herself a drink. 

"No, no," Max said, going to take the bottle out of her hand before she had a chance to pour.

"You've been drinking enough to outpace Nyoka these past few weeks. I want to have this conversation with you while you're sober." He placed the bottle back on the desk. Charlotte sighed but didn't argue. A drink made most things easier but... well, she could see why he was concerned. She leaned back against the desk, just looking at Max. She knew what came next. Charlotte had to say the words; she owed it to Max. She owed it to herself. She owed it to every person she’d lied to in order to get where she was.

_Deep breaths._

"My name," She started, "my _real_ name, is Charlotte Lillis. I was born in the year 2252, and I’m one of the colonists from The Hope." She paused, thinking about how she'd woken up. Being shot into space. About Alex Hawthorne. 

"This— this isn't my ship. I'm not Alex Hawthorne. Alex Hawthorne," she paused, tears threatening to fall. She lowered her voice to a whisper. "The real Alex Hawthorne's dead. I got shot into space in an escape pod, and my escape pood landed right on fucking top of him." She wiped the tears from her eyes. 

“I took— no, I _stole_ his identity and I’ve been lying about everything since I woke up and landed on Terra 2.” She said, in one long exhale.

"Why did you take his name?" Max questioned. 

"ADA needed me to be 'Alex Hawthorne' for me to Captain the Unreliable. And I thought, maybe it'd be safer if I used his name, y'know? Alex Hawthorne had a place in Halcyon,” She shrugged, recollecting how it felt to walk through Edgewater for the first time. Compared to what she’d gotten herself into now, Edgewater had been a cakewalk. But that _first time_? It’d been intimidating. Halcyon was different from the world she’d known before, and she hadn’t known what was expected of her. It had been disquieting, to say the least, to be a piece in a puzzle that she wasn’t a part of. In the beginning, being Alex Hawthorne had at least given her a sense of self in the context of the colony. 

“I didn't know exactly what I was getting myself into, but as I learned more, I was _convinced_ that lying had been the right choice. The Board is _dangerous_, and I assumed— wrongly, of fucking course— that using Hawthorne's name would keep everyone safer, and the Board wouldn't figure out what we were trying to do."

"What exactly _have_ we been trying to do?" Max asked. "You haven't been working for the Board, but you, and tangentially, us, have been working for someone." He continued. His posture relaxed slightly— only slightly. This wasn’t the confession he was expecting, but he'd heard Welles' name out of the Adjutant's own mouth. If he was to be working with someone who had been wanted for so long by the Board, he needed to hear why directly from his Captain.

"Phineas Welles. He... he revived me. I've been helping him get his hands on dimethyl sulfoxide." Max raised an eyebrow.

"Why?"

"Phineas says he can revive the colonists on the Hope. He says he just needs more dimethyl sulfoxide; I don’t really know what it does, but I’m alive after 70 years in cryo, so I believe him. Phineas is convinced thawing out everyone on the Hope’ll save the colony... and I have to try. I _know_ people on The Hope, Max. I'm their only chance." She sighed and ran a hand through her hair. She tried not to think of her friends on the Hope. Not as they were at that moment. She only let herself remember them as they were, alive and happy and _safe_. 

Max could see the toll this burden was taking on his Captain. She was wilting with the weight of so many lives on her shoulders. He could feel the gravity of it all. The horror of knowing that so many lives were hanging in the balance. Hundreds of thousands, dependant on his Captain and an outlaw. The odds… well, Max felt a chill trying to figure their chances of succeeding. 

“If you’ve been wondering what I’ve been doing in Byzantium by myself,” She said, “It’s been getting the dimethyl sulfoxide for Phineas. Stealing them out from a high-security lab wasn't exactly safe, and I couldn’t ask any of you to take that risk. Not if I couldn’t be honest about what we were doing,” She paused, looking down. She didn’t want to say the next part. But she had to be honest.

“And I couldn’t risk any of you finding out the truth.” She said. She didn’t like the way it sounded when she said it, but it was the truth. Charlotte sighed and looked up at Max; she couldn't see any anger in him. His temper had tapered off since Scylla, but she'd seen him in a fight. He still had plenty of his 'violent enthusiasm' left in him, and she'd expected to be on the receiving end of it. The Vicar walked up to the desk, next to Charlotte, but he wasn’t looking at her. He put his hands down on the desk, leaning into it. He stared straight ahead, out the window and into the endless space that faced them.

"You consider the secrecy of your identity to be more important than your own safety?" Max asked. Charlotte bit her lip. He sounded _hurt_ by how flippantly she’d put herself in danger. 

"I...." she paused, shaking her head. "I don't know," she conceded. They stood, looking at each other.

"I can't say I didn't wish you'd trusted me." He said, voice low.

“I’m sorry,” She whispered. She moved closer to him, putting one of her hands on his.

"When were you going to tell us?" He asked.

"I don't know. I just... I figured there would be a _right_ time when I felt like it'd be safe, but," she sighed, "But when would be the right time? Things have gone on so long, I was— well, I _am_ scared. Of how you— how everyone would react. I lied to you, all of you, about _so much_. How could I expect any of you to ever be okay with what I've done?" Her voice cracked. She looked down, trying to hide the tears rolling down her cheeks.

"I mean," She forced a laugh that came out sounding bitter, "you remember how upset I was when you lied to me about Chaney?"

"I remember."

"And there I was, doing the exact same god damn thing." She turned away from the Vicar, unceremoniously flopping down into one of her chairs. They both remained quiet, just allowing the lull in their conversation to act as a respite. Max cleared his throat, deciding that perhaps some levity was due.

"You know, I must admit,” He started, using his most proper preaching voice, “I am relieved. I was worried you'd been secretly been working for the Board this whole time." He jibed. Charlotte scoffed at that.

"I'm insulted Max," She said jokingly, "you'd assumed I was on the same level as _them_?"

"Well, not _that_ worried." He said, rolling his eyes. Charlotte felt a smile spread across her face.

"There's still a lot of work to do," She continued, sincerity in her voice, "reviving the colonists is going to be harder than it sounds." Max waited for her to continue, but she didn't elaborate.

"I think it'd be better for me to talk to Phineas before I tell everyone what's happening. Before I tell them the truth," She said.

"Why wait?" He asked.

"I just need to hear it from him first. That the plan will still work despite what I've learned. That we still have some hope left, because I've just about run out."

"Are you sure you're not just avoiding the confrontation?"

"...No. I'm not sure," She sighed, "But I do think it'd be better to wait. If I’m doomed to fail, I don’t want you caught up in all this if you don’t have to be." She added quietly, wrapping her arms around herself.

"Alright, Charlotte." He said, his voice soft. “But what if you’re not? Will you let us in?” 

_Will you let **me** in?_

_Will you let me help you?_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ok this took a little longer than I thought it would but it's HERE, so I consider this a win.


	6. Calm

The trip to Phineas’s orbital lab was too quick, though at the same time each minute seemed to pass arduously slowly. The prospect of her efforts amounting to, essentially, nothing, had Charlotte’s palms cold and clammy. She kept telling herself _we still have time_ but it felt so very much like they _didn’t_.

She’d tried to keep her contact with Phineas limited over the time she’d been awake; everyone on board the Unreliable could understand having a contact who wanted to remain anonymous, but if she’d started stopping by too often, curiosity might get the better of her crew. She liked avoiding questions when she could, though soon enough she was sure she’d be getting her fair share of questions to make up for all the ones she’d side-stepped.

Charlotte felt like she should say something before heading out; something about this trip felt final, though, she’d never been one to stand on ceremony. She could see Felix and Parvati across the way in the cargo hold, the two of them bent over the workbench. Felix had been asking her for days to take a look at his plasma launcher, and it seems Parvati finally had. Charlotte could imagine Ellie and Nyoka were together in one of their rooms, swapping stories and having a drink, as they often did. She could hear Sam walking around the kitchen. And Max…

No, it would be better for her to get this meeting over with, for good or for bad. She was just trying to put off the inevitable.

Charlotte walked out of the door, listening to the sound of her footsteps reverberating in the deserted docking bay. She wiped her feet on the welcome mat (as per the instructions written on the floor), and entered the lab.

Phineas was standing where he always was, right in front of the intercom, and right _behind_ about a foot of bulletproof glass.

“Ah, Charlotte! I’ve kept myself busy in your absence. Optimized my formula. I’m now confident I can revive all the remaining colonists.”

“That’s good, but—”

“All I need now is the dimethyl sulfoxide. I’ll take as much as you can give me.”

“Phineas, we have other problems. The colony is _collapsing_”

“What? Oh, yes, well that’s obvious. Anyone could see this colony is slouching toward oblivion. What do you think we’ve been doing all this time?”

“Phineas, it’s worse than that,” Charlotte said, quietly. Phineas had no smart retort, even as socially inept as he could be, he could see something was seriously wrong. 

Charlotte recounted all that she had seen in Byzantium, from Rockwell’s message to the human test subjects the Board was working on. Phineas lamented the lack of time and lack of chemicals, but he couldn’t fault Charlotte for sparing the lives of those the Board were experimenting on. But he was truly distraught over what this meant for The Hope and the colonists on board.

“Do you realize what this means for the Hope? For your fellow colonists?” He started, his words painted with defeat, “The Board’s going to kill them all. Toss them out into space, just to make room in their hibernation chambers.” Phineas ran a hand over his face, shoulders sagging. Charlotte felt her throat close, _this couldn’t be happening, right?_ Except it was, and it seemed like they were out of time and out of ideas.

“Phineas, there has to be something we can do. Something, _anything_,” She pleaded. He shook his head.

“Short of lining up every member of the Board and shooting them in the back of the head? No, the Board’s going to dispose of every colonist on The Hope and transform it into a prison for the rest of us. They’re probably on their way to The Hope as we live and breathe.”

“What if we could get there before the Board? Would that make _any_ difference?”

“Doubtful. I have enough chemicals to start reviving colonists, but there’s no easy way to get them off The Hope,” He said. The two of them sat in silence, just thinking.

_We have to do something. We can’t just sit idly by and let this happen. We need to do something…_ Charlotte thought. 

_If only The Hope wasn’t so far away from here…_

“Charlotte… you might just have something there,” Phineas said.

“Huh?” She asked, not realizing she’d said that last bit out loud.

“We bring The Hope to us. Skip the entire ship across the distance of colony space— right next to my lab,” He said. Phineas went on about how it’d be done, Charlotte barely keeping up with how quickly he was forming a plan, his eyes alight with an erratic excitement.

“Phineas, this— this is insane,” Charlotte said.

“Yes, by any reasonable definition of sanity, this plan is crazy. Isn’t it wonderful?”  
Charlotte, on any other day, would probably answer, no, no it is _not_wonderful, but Phineas was more animated now that she’d ever seen him, and maybe it was crazy, but it was a _plan_. And maybe Phineas was a madman like everyone said he was, but he was liable to be the only person crazy enough to make skipping The Hope work. 

_We’re doomed anyway, might as well go out in a blaze of glory_, she thought.

“Alright, should I expect any resistance?” She asked. There was no way either of them could know, but Phineas had been at this a lot longer than she had. He’d have an idea of what to expect.

“Probably, I imagine they’re sending corporate soldiers there as we speak if they haven’t already.” He said. Charlotte nodded. 

“There’s one more thing, Phineas,” She said, thinking back to her conversation with the Adjutant.

“I got a message from Adjutant Akande. She asked me to plant a tracking signal in your lab. I mean, I’m not going to do it, but I figured I ought to tell you.”

“You absolutely should,” Phineas replied.

“...What?”

“The Adjutant must have sent you some kind of tracking code. If you don’t use it, she’ll suspect you’ve betrayed her,” He said, nonchalantly. Charlotte shook her head.

“Phineas, no. I’m— I’m not doing that. They’ll _find_ you.”

“I think you should use the code and send a corrupted tracking signal. That should buy me some time.”

“But—”

“Charlotte, the enemy is bound to discover my hideout sooner or later. I’m prepared for that eventuality. This is just me buying myself a little time. Use my communications terminal to corrupt the tracking signal. While the Board busies themselves trying to decipher it, I’ll have plenty of time to prepare my defenses.” Charlotte opened her mouth to further argue that what he was suggesting was not a good idea, but Phineas put a hand up to halt her.

“Charlotte, you have to do this. You need Sophia Akande to be _on your side_. Think about how much easier getting aboard the Hope will be if the corporate soldiers think you’re one of them?” He said. Charlotte nodded solemnly. His line of thought made sense, though she hated that it did. She hated the idea of putting him in danger, though, she supposed, weren’t they all already in danger?

Phineas gestured for her to get on with it, and she obliged him. She went over to the terminal in the corner of the room and logged on. She had a pained expression on her face the entire time she set up the corrupted tracking signal, but if Phineas was sure this was the best way for her to avoid further suspicion, she would do it. Being in Akande’s good graces would make getting on the Hope easier, sure, but the risk was... high. His assurances that it was fine, and _he_ would be fine, did little to assuage her worry, but _she would do it_. It was late in the game now, after all. She was playing a game of chess where the losses would be in the range of hundreds of thousands. _High risk_ was the _only_ kind of risk there was.

Charlotte left the lab feeling different than she did walking in. The task before her felt enormous, more than she could handle, but by Law, she would handle it. Phineas Welles was every bit the madman people said he was, but by _Law_, he was a _genius_. Skipping the Hope was crazy enough to work, and Charlotte was going to _make it work_.

And, it was time. She’d hoped there’d be a time when it felt right, and it did. The end was in sight, and it was time to tell her friends everything.

She owed them that much, and she owed them a chance to back out.

* * *

Max was waiting for her when she got back, leaning up against the wall across from the door, book in hand. His stance was meant to look casual, but Charlotte could tell he was antsy, waiting to hear what news she brought.

Max straightened up as she approached, taking the last few steps himself to meet her in the middle.

“Well?” He asked. Charlotte sighed, but a smile tugged at her lips.

“Phineas has a plan,” She said. “It’s going to be hard, and we have to hurry, but I _know_ it’s going to work.” Max nodded, looking up to the kitchen, and back toward Charlotte.

“I guess it’s time then?” He said. Charlotte nodded.

“You go wait in the kitchen, I’ll round everyone up who’s not already there.”

“Alright,” he paused, “Have you thought about what you’ll say?”

“I haven’t stopped thinking about it since I woke up, Max.” She replied. He put a hand on her shoulder, to reassure her, and then headed upstairs.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Haha, it's been awhile, hasn't it? Sorry about that, and I hope y'all don't mind how much dialogue was lifted directly from the game. Hopefully, it won't take me another 2 months to get the next chapter up.


	7. Assemblage

There's a saying that it's easier to beg for forgiveness than ask for permission; Charlotte, standing outside the cargo bay on The Unreliable, felt as if she was standing on a precipice. She could beg forgiveness from those she had lied to, but ultimately, they could reject her apologies, refuse her rationalizations. Perhaps the people she thought of as family now were only words away from leaving her. Perhaps not. Law help her, she didn't want to be alone. 

Charlotte went into the cargo bay to find Parvati and Felix, the two of them still huddled around the workbench. As she walked up, she could hear the two of them talking about one of the aetherwave serials they liked so much. She couldn't help but smile; the two of them reminded her so much of the family she'd left behind on The Hope.

“Hey guys, sorry to interrupt,” She said.

“Oh hey boss, what’s up?” Felix asked.

“I need everyone in the kitchen right now, I need to discuss some… business with all of you.” Charlotte replied. She hoped she seemed calm and reassuring, but she knew she was coming off as agitated in some way.

“Something wrong, Captain? You sound a little, uh, worried.” Parvati said. Charlotte gave her a curt smile, hoping to quell any anxieties before they appeared; nervous energy was contagious and it was best to draw those emotions into a lull before she talked to them. Any amount of volatility was a variable Charlotte didn't want to wield.

“Just head up. You’ll know everything in a couple of minutes," she said. Parvati and Felix looked at each other, both of them sporting similarly worried expressions.

Charlotte followed them up the stairs and into the kitchen, where Max was waiting. Ellie and Nyoka were with him; it looked like they’d already been in there, the two of them sat there with drinks in hand. Parvati and Felix took their seats; Max remained standing where he was. SAM was cleaning a mystery stain on the wall but stopped when Charlotte took her place at the head of the table, ready to get this over with.

She couldn’t help but feel guilty, all of them looking at her expectantly. _Words away..._

"I'm sure you're wondering why I've gathered you all here," She started, voice wavering. She swallowed. There was no point beating around the bush or trying to obfuscate with flowery language. 

_Just tell them_

“I… I haven’t been honest with you. About myself. And about what I’ve been doing, why I’ve been dragging all of you all over Halcyon.” She paused, looking at the people she had collected, people she cared about. She knew they felt the same about her, and she knew it made her dishonesty all the more cutting. 

“My name isn’t Alex Hawthorne. Alex Hawthorne was the original captain of The Unreliable but… he’s dead. And I took his place, sort of. My real name is Charlotte Lillis. I was a colonist on The Hope,” She said, looking at her companions, but not quite meeting any of their eyes. She pushed onward.

“I’ve lied to you all from the beginning about who I am and what my intentions are. I’m sorry. I took Hawthorne’s name to pilot this ship, and I kept it to keep myself safe from the Board. It… didn’t work. The Board knows who I am, and they know I’ve been working with Phineas Welles,” She said. She could see her friends perk up slightly at the mention of Welles’ name. Their attention made sense, as he was a very well-known criminal; they called him a madman. An apt description.

"How do you know Phineas Welles?" Ellie asked. She looked more amused than anything by her confession.

“I was revived from cryo by Phineas Welles, and he asked me to help him. And I have been. Together we’ve been working towards saving all the other Hope colonists, and hopefully, Halcyon itself, because the Board has plans for all of us, all of Halcyon, and I promise, _they are not good_” 

“Are— are you for real right now, Captain? The Hope? Like, _The_ Hope?” Parvati asked. Charlotte nodded her head.

“I know it seems insane. I know it does. But it’s true, every word,” She replied.

“What’s the Board planning on doing to us? Besides throwing us in Tartarus for working with Halcyon’s most wanted,” Nyoka asked in a jocular tone, looking as relaxed as ever.

“The Board’s grand plan to save Halcyon from starvation is to cryogenically freeze everyone, using the stasis chambers on The Hope,” 

“But The Hope’s still full of colonists,” Felix said, looking around. Charlotte nodded. It was silent for a beat, as everyone let it sink in exactly what that meant.

“Of course,” Charlotte resumed, bitterly, “Byzantium will remain Halcyon’s jewel. Everyone in the city will be _just fine_,” She sighed, rubbing her forehead. It felt cartoonishly evil, sacrificing so many of Halcyon's hardest workers to save the 'elite'.

Nyoka broke the silence, a sober-sounding ‘holy shit’ coming out of her mouth. Charlotte stole a glance at Max; he gave her a slow nod, encouraging her to continue. She continued.

“I’m sorry I didn’t tell all of you before, and I hope you can at least understand why I lied. But I’m telling you now, because Welles has a plan, and it’s dangerous, and I want to give you the chance to tap out.” She said, feeling breathless.

"None of you agreed to make yourselves outlaws for me, and I won't force you to" She added, quietly.

“Well... what’s the plan?” Felix asked. Charlotte took a breath.

“Phineas wants me to go to The Hope, link it up to The Unreliable to power up its skip drive, and skip it here, to his lab.” She said. The response she got was a resounding bout of silence.

“Uh, Captain? I don’t know much about skip drives, but how’s our little ship supposed to power it?” Parvati asked. Charlotte couldn’t help but let out a nervous laugh.

“I don’t know much about skip drives either, but Phineas says using our own ship’s power is enough.”

“That’ll work?” Ellie asked, "That _won't _ end up killing us all?".

“Welles is good at beating the odds, if he says it will, I trust him,” Charlotte said, straightening up.

“Well, you’re living proof of that, I suppose.” Max chimed in. There was another round of silence, and Charlotte could see all of them were weighing this information in their heads. She could see it now; they’d decide this was where they got off. She’d lied and she was about to drag them through hell? _No thanks Captain, we’re all good here, good luck on not dying!_

Yeah, something like that.

Ellie was the first one to speak up.

“Shit Captain, I’m in.” She said, downing the rest of her drink. "We're all gonna die anyway, might as well stick it to the Board," Charlotte just about gaped in surprise. But all around the table, it was a unanimous decision.

“Me too, Captain,” Parvati added. There was an enthusiastic ‘_Hell yeah!_’ from Felix, and Nyoka raised her glass with a nod in Charlotte’s direction. 

Charlotte looked back to Max, who was standing in the back with a smile on his face.

Max stood, watching Charlotte’s reactions to what was happening in front of her. She looked absolutely astounded, eyes wide and mouth slightly agape; Max wondered how she ever managed to have her secret so well kept when her emotions played across her face so freely. He wondered how she ever thought they could say _no_ to her.

The group spent some more time going over what the plan was once they docked on The Hope- it wasn’t _much_ of a plan, as they had no idea what kind of resistance they would meet. The biggest point in the plan was finding an ID card so they could avoid any fighting. Charlotte planned on bringing Parvati and Max with her; their experience with technology certainly would be her best asset if she wasn't going to be fighting. They could deactivate any mechanicals there might be, hack any terminals that required it. After they skip The Hope, well, Charlotte wasn’t sure what would happen then, but she felt ready for it. Planning devolved into light-hearted chatter as the night went on; it was if nothing had changed after Charlotte had revealed her origins, but it had. The most notable difference, of course, was that they called her 'Charlotte'. One by one, each of her crew bid their 'goodnights' and took themselves back to their quarters until just Charlotte and Max remained. 

“You know,” Max started, “despite everything that’s happened, I think you’re a terrible liar.” Charlotte laughed, genuinely and light-heartedly, something she hadn’t done in a long while. The sound brought a smile to Max’s face.

He very much liked the sound of her laughter.

“What makes you say that?” She said.

“The shock was written all over your face,”

“So?”

“You wear your emotions very openly, Charlotte,” He said, folding his hands on the table in front of him, “You’re an open book,”

Charlotte shrugged. 

“I was surprised. I didn’t expect them to agree…” She said quietly, “But I’m afraid I have to disagree with you, Vicar," she continues, her tone light, "I mean, I had _you_ fooled, after all.”

“I wouldn’t say that—”

“I would,” She said with a laugh.

“You’re very good at dodging questions, that’s not quite lying.” He said, matter-of-factly, though the smirk on his face was telling a different story.

“I think lying by omission counts, Max.” She said, leaning towards him.

“Hm. I suppose I'll have to give you that one,” he said. “I don’t know why you were so surprised,” he continued.

“Max, I’d been lying for so long, I just… I felt so badly about it, I _still_ feel bad about it,” she said quietly, “I just assumed everyone else would feel the same way.” She finished. Max reflected on her words for a moment, weighing the gravity of them.

“Maybe your name is different than what we thought it was, and maybe where you came from has isn’t what we imagined, but otherwise,” he paused, looking intensely at her. 

“Otherwise,” He continued, “everything else about you is the same. Your intentions, and how much you care. About all of us, and all the people you’ve met. That shows, Charlotte. Through everything you’ve done, the lives you’ve improved. You’ve always a kind word to spare. The people of Halcyon might remember you as Alex Hawthorne, but the name changes nothing of the legacy you’ll leave.” He finished. Charlotte looked away from him, remaining quiet.

"Maybe," She said. She thought back on all the people she'd met since she was woken up. Would any of them care that she wasn't the real Alex Hawthorne?

_Probably not_ she thought. But she hadn't been worried about what _they_ thought of her. She never wanted anything more than for her family to be proud of her; that was true back on Earth, and it was true now, with this little found-family that she loved so much. Max smiled at her, but it read of a certain sorrow rather than joy.

_She cannot see it,_ he thought, _but she will._

"It's getting late," He started.

"I'll let you get some rest," Max continued, standing up. He put a hand on her shoulder, meeting her eyes briefly, before returning to his quarters. Charlotte watched him go, remaining only a moment more, before rising from her seat. She had more she wished to say, but it _was_ getting late. 

In just a few hours, she'd need to be ready to take The Hope.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> No proofreading we die like men
> 
> But, more seriously, I do hope this makes sense becasue I haven't proofread it.


	8. Breakfast

The night was restless; well, _Charlotte_ was restless, at least. She fell in and out of sleep, going over what she had to do in the morning countless times in her mind. She’d gotten another communication from Akande, thanking her for bugging Phineas’s terminal, though the Adjutant lamented Welles’ cunning because the signal had been corrupted.

_Oh, what a shame,_ She’d thought with some smug satisfaction. Akande had wanted Charlotte to come to her office in Byzantium, but she didn’t want to waste time on the Adjutant— and she wasn’t keen on walking straight into the lion’s den. Charlotte was certain it wasn't meant to be a trap for her, but that didn't mean it wouldn't turn into one anyway.

No, she’d take the Unreliable directly to the Hope. 

After staring at the ceiling in her quarters for at least an hour, she decided to get up. Charlotte was up earlier than she usually was, but she didn’t feel tired from the horrible night’s sleep she’d had. The anxiety that had kept her up was making her feel energized, but in a way that had her feeling jittery. She forced herself to go to the kitchen and eat something, even though the thought made her feel nauseous. She’d need the energy, though a bowl of Purpleberry Crunch wasn’t exactly a balanced breakfast. 

Charlotte chewed her cereal slowly, enjoying the artificial sweetness. Miscellaneous clangs sounded off downstairs; SAM was putting along in the cargo bay, cleaning up whatever mess her crew had made the other night. Charlotte was sure she’d heard weapon fire and some hollering in the hold during the night, and normally she would’ve been concerned, but it had been late, and she had decided it just wasn’t reason enough to drag herself out of bed. Her crew was comprised of adults, they could handle themselves for one night.

By the time Charlotte was finished with the bowl, Parvati was up as well.

“Mornin’ Captain,” She said as she walked into the kitchen. 

“Mornin’,” She replied. Parvati grabbed a mock apple off the counter before sitting down next to Charlotte.

“So Charlotte, You feel ready for today?” Parvati asked. 

“Ready as I can be, I guess,” She replied. It felt nice to have her friend call her the proper name. Felt nice to be herself.

Parvati munched on her mock apple and wondered aloud what kind of shape the Hope would be in. Charlotte followed her as well as she could, but technical stuff had never been in her wheelhouse. Parvati talked about the Hope, which got her talking about the Groundbreaker since it was the Hope's sister ship, and talking about the Groundbreaker got her talking about Junlei, which made Charlotte smile. There wasn't enough happiness in Halcyon.

Ellie and Nyoka came into the kitchen after a few minutes— it didn’t pass Charlotte’s notice that they both came out of the same room instead of both of their _respective_ rooms.

Ellie didn’t say anything when she came in, just plopped herself down at the table and put her head down. Charlotte looked at Nyoka, quirking an eyebrow as if to ask _why?_ Nyoka picked up an Energy Brew and sat down next to Ellie, putting a hand on her back.

“Girl can’t hold her liquor,” Nyoka said, smirking. Ellie fired off a retort, but her head was still down and none of them could understand the muffled words she said.

“Can’t understand you, babe,” Nyoka said. Ellie picked her head up.

“Can hold m’ liquor just fine,” Ellie said, sounding like someone who could not, in fact, hold their liquor fine. She put her head back down.

“You two ever think about doing something other than drinking for fun? Maybe?” Charlotte asked, and was met with some surprisingly synchronized “no”’s from the both of them (she assumed Ellie said no, it was hard to tell when she was mumbling into her arms). Charlotte shrugged, figuring she didn’t have much room to judge. Parvati snickered behind her mock apple, but got up to grab Ellie some water while she grumbled into the tabletop. 

They chatted quietly, minding Ellie’s hangover, when Felix stumbled into the kitchen, yawning.

“Morning Felix,” Parvati said.

“M—” he was interrupted by another yawn, “Morning guys,” He walked to the counter to pick up the same box of Purpleberry Crunch Charlotte had been eating; though he brought the box with him to the table and ate directly out of it instead of pouring it into a bowl. Charlotte frowned at the now-empty bowl sitting in front of her and wondered just how many times he’d stuck his (presumably unwashed) hands in the box of cereal. 

“So,” Felix said through a mouthful of food, “when are we going to the Hope?”

“As soon as I know Max is awake I’m plotting the course,” Charlotte said. It wouldn’t take long to travel to where the Hope was located, but it was enough time to get ready. Charlotte planned to modify her weapon on the trip over, with Parvati’s help. UDL soldiers were tough, and she needed more firepower if it was going to come to a fight. And she couldn't lie— she had fun decking out her weapons.

“Where is Max? Isn’t he usually up early?” Nyoka asked. 

“He’s always up when I am,” Parvati said. Parvati was also an early riser, second only to the vicar. 

“Where _is_ Max?” Charlotte asked, looking down the hallway.

* * *

The vicar was up late the night before, as always. He was up early as well. If he ever had thought about his sleeping habits for any duration of time, he might have concluded that he was an insomniac; but he didn’t think about it. Normally, he didn’t mind the lack of sleep. Staying up late and getting up early was an opportunity for self-improvement, in his eyes. 

However, today was not a normal day.

Learning to let go was one of the hardest things he’d ever done, and in some ways was _still_ in the process of doing. Faced with the very real possibility that his life and the lives of the people close to him could be so easily snuffed out by the Hope’s skip drive failing— or worse, the ship crashing into Terra 2— left him uneasy at best. He’d stayed up late, wondering what shape the 70-year-old derelict was in. He’d woken up early, thought about the Hope exploding, heard Charlotte walk by his room, thought about the Hope crashing, and so on. 

Max sat on his little bunk, head resting in his hands. 

_It’s out of my control. I need to let go of my fear._

He’d risked his life before. He’d been in countless firefights since joining up with Charlotte. He'd been in danger before, he'd experienced pain before. But skipping the Hope wasn’t like that. He’d never even been on a ship that had traveled via skipspace before. Part of him was convinced this would be the end, as dramatic as that sounded to himself.

The Vicar thought he’d learned how to let go— so why was letting go of this fear so hard? He had accepted that the day would be out of his control, accepted the danger, so why was he still afraid?

Max stood up from the bed. He couldn’t seem to quell his unease, but there was no point in sitting and stewing in it. He let out a slow breath.

“Everything will be _fine_,” he said, and got ready for the day.

* * *

“Where _is_ Max?” 

Down the hall, the vicar’s door opened.

“Oh, there he is,” Parvati said.

“Good morning,” He said as he entered the kitchen. Ellie propped her head up.

“Hey, Vicky’s decided to join us,” She said. Max showed no reaction to the much-detested nickname, just settling at the table quietly. He was leaning forward onto the table, projecting the image of someone who was relaxed, but in the line of his shoulders Charlotte could see he was tensed up.

“Mornin’ Max,” Felix said, through a mouthful of cereal. Charlotte watched Max carefully as the group chatted over breakfast. Well, what passed for breakfast. Parvati and Max were the only ones who were inclined to eat anything that wasn’t complete junk. Except Max wasn’t eating. That alone wasn’t reason enough for Charlotte to be concerned, but combined with him getting up so late?

“So we’re ready then?” Parvati asked.

“What?” Charlotte asked, as she hadn’t been listening.

“You said once you knew Vicky was up you’d plot the course to the Hope,” Ellie said.

“Mhm, yeah,” Charlotte replied, nodding. “I’m going to go do that now. You two,” She said, looking between Max and Parvati, “get yourselves ready,”

“Heard, Captain,” Parvati said. Max just nodded. Charlotte squinted at him for a moment.

_Something’s not right with him_, she thought.

Charlotte walked out of the kitchen and headed down to the cockpit. She was going to ‘plot a course’ to the Hope, which was a very fancy way of saying she told ADA to do that for her.

She contemplated going straight to the cargo bay afterward; she knew Parvati would probably be waiting for her there, but there was something (someone) she needed to check on first. SAM was in the cargo hold and would keep Parvati entertained while she was busy.

Charlotte went back up the stairs and quickly popped into the kitchen. It looked like Ellie was finally ready to try and choke down some food (with Nyoka’s support), and Felix was still eating cereal directly out of the box. Nothing out of the ordinary there. Charlotte turned around to walk the short distance to Max’s door. She knocked three times in quick succession.

* * *

Max didn’t have the stomach to eat anything, so he didn’t. He felt ridiculous; everyone else aboard the ship seemed to be so _relaxed_, and he… wasn’t. 

Charlotte said to prepare himself, and that’s exactly what he was planning on doing. Meditation was meant to clear the mind, and that was what he needed. He carefully timed his breathing, 4 seconds in, 7 seconds held, 8 seconds out. 

He was holding for 7 when there was a knock on his door. Slowly, he released the breath, and when he answered the door, he was greeted by Charlotte.

“Hey Max,” She said, “Can I talk to you for a second?” She asked. 

“Of course,” He replied, and gestured for her to come in. She stepped into the tiny room, and he closed the door behind her. She glanced around a moment before looking at him.

“Are you feeling okay?” She asked.

_Straight to the point then,_ he thought.

“Yes, what makes you ask?” 

“... You just don’t seem like yourself this morning,” She said. Max shrugged.

“I mean, you seem tense,” She paused. “Will you tell me what's wrong?” She asked, and crossed her arms, focusing on him with an intensity that made him feel vulnerable.

“I will admit I am… concerned… for how things will go today, but really, I am fine, Charlotte,” He said, clasping his hand together behind his back. Charlotte pursed her lips, clearly not believing him. She sat down on his bunk.

“I don’t know, Max. You weren’t up this morning like you usually are, and you were awfully quiet at the table,” She said. “Not a single snarky comment about Felix’s messy eating habits or Ellie’s hangover or anything. I mean, Ellie called you 'Vicky' twice and I'm not sure you even noticed. _Very_ unlike you,” She finished. Max sighed and sat down next to her on the bed.

“Does today’s plan really have you that worked up?” She said, quietly. A beat passed before he answered. He briefly considered lying to her— doubling down that everything was _fine_, thank you very much, but he couldn't. There had been enough of that.

“Back on Scylla, I finally thought I understood. I could… let go. There are things out of my control, and I was able to let them go,” he sighed, “I… am worried. About today, about the Hope. And I can’t seem to dispel this anxiety I am feeling.” He paused.

“I can’t control what’s going to happen today, I understand that, but I can’t _let go_. I shouldn’t be… afraid,” He said, putting a hand to his temple. Charlotte rested a hand on his back, gently rubbing, trying to be of some reassurance to him

“I know what happened on Scylla was supposed to be, like, enlightenment for you, but you know it’s okay to feel this way, right?” She said, trying to gauge his reaction.

“What we’re doing— it’s scary! It is, and by Law, I’d be lying if I said the idea of skipping the Hope didn’t leave me kinda queasy,” she said, “And, maybe… right now, letting go isn’t getting rid of all your doubts, or fears. Maybe it’s just accepting that you’re scared,” she finished. Max let her words roll over him, and he spent a moment considering them. 

Allowing himself to just… feel his feelings. It sounded so simple, but it felt like a revelation. It didn’t do much to stave the way he felt about the day’s mission, but it was a comfort.

“Mmm… you know Charlotte, if your career as an outlaw doesn’t work out, I think you should consider one in philosophy,” Max said, a faint smile on his face. Charlotte snorted, slapping him playfully.

“Don’t tease, Vicar,” She said.

“I’m not,” He replied, “I think you’re right,”

“Oh?”

“I thought things would be easy after Scylla, but I suppose there’s always more to learn,”

“The life of a philosopher I guess,” She said, “Always a student,”

“... I’m not a philosopher,”

“I mean you basically are?” 

“I’d debate with you on that, but I think that would probably take the better part of the day,” Max said, chuckling.

“Yeah, probably,” Charlotte said. “Are you going to be okay?” She asked. Max nodded, standing up. He held out a hand to her, bringing her to her feet.

“I’m alright,” He said. “I know you and your gun have a date with Parvati at the workbench, you go ahead. I’ll be ready when we reach the Hope,”

“Are you sure? I mean I—”

“I’ll be fine,” Max said, stepping closer to her. “Thank you, though,” he added, quietly, and _oh,_ his room was very small, and he was _very_ close to her. Max lifted a hand to brush a stray lock of hair out of her face, ghosting his fingertips on her skin. He gently brought his hand to rest, cupping her jaw. He leaned in ever so slightly.

“Don’t tease, Vicar,” she said, softly. Max thought briefly, _perhaps it would be best to save this for later,_ when they’d have more time to figure out whatever they were doing, but the threat of not having a later was still in the back of his mind, and it urged him forward.

Her lips were soft against his, and she tasted faintly of the sweet cereal she’d been eating. Max placed his other hand on her waist, holding her against him. She melted into his embrace, wrapping her arms around his neck and softly biting his bottom lip. He pulled away after a moment, taking in the flush of her skin and how her pupils were blown wide. He ran his hand down her jaw, lightly running this thumb over her lips. Charlotte put her hands up to his face, lacing her fingers through his hair and pulling him back down to her. Both of his hands were on her waist now, one slowly sliding up her back and under her shirt.

Charlotte pulled away suddenly, though she was only inches away from Max. She put a hand on his cheek.

“Later,” She said faintly, stepping away. She took one of Max’s hands in her own.

“And there will _be_ a later,” She said. Max nodded once, slowly.

“Alright,” He said in a near whisper. A smile pulled at the corner of his lips.

“Go on,” he said, stepping back, “I’m sure Ms. Holcomb is waiting,”

Charlotte grinned, and left for the cargo hold. 

The Vicar was left feeling quite a bit better after the talk they’d had.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ... I have no excuses for how long this took
> 
> Hope the kiss scene wasn't weird to read because it was weird to write
> 
> Next chapter is almost done

**Author's Note:**

> Uh, this is my first fic, like, ever? But I had to write something, The Outer Worlds is new, and there are so few fics written so far. I figured I'd write what I wanted to read instead of waiting for someone else to.


End file.
